On the cusp…

There’s nothing like a monumental transitional moment in your life to give you lots of material to write about, but then no time in which to write it. This generates a lovely little blockage within your brain where you’re itching to be creative and write something (ANYTHING) but you are too physically and emotionally exhausted to do anything but stare at a laptop screen and kick yourself for not getting anything down.

You may ask what has caused this? Finishing University, obtaining a degree and packing up the life I’ve built for myself for the past three years and move home. Initially I thought doing that would be throwing myself back to square 1. But actually, it has been exactly what I needed, like an all-inclusive holiday where you can really sort your priorities out. For me, it was finding my place. My place in the world? My place in my chosen field? Who knows, all I know is that I’m on the cusp of something.

‘On the cusp’ is a weird phrase that makes me sweat behind the knees just as much as the phrase ‘What are your plans after Uni?’ It’s like, I’m trying, but all my efforts literally mean nothing and I’m just a small frogspawn in that metaphorical pond where all the big and small fish live. The good thing about frogspawn though is that they eventually grow into tadpoles and then they grow into frogs. So what I think I’m saying is that I’ll be set apart from the big fishes in the small pond and the small fish in a big pond. Maybe that’s what creative people are… just a bunch of frogs in the making.

So being on the cusp isn’t actually a bad thing, everyones career has to start somewhere, and it could be doing a crappy little desk job in the day and working like crazy in the night, tending to your little creations. It’s all about perspective and taking note on where you are and how you’re doing just so you don’t completely crack. Leaving university is, for lack of a better word, TERRIFYING BEYOND ALL BELIEF! Mainly because lecturers, friends and parents alike are pressuring you to get your foot in the door and start on the next pathway. It’s more difficult than before, because there is less structure to guide us, we are well and truly on our own. We have to be strong, and save our crying for a bathroom stall of whatever corporate structure you find yourself in to begin with. There is no shame in that. It’s good to cry when life as you know it has turned upside down.

Writing this has indeed made the sweaty knees come back so now is probably a better time than any to list a few happy things that’s going on for me 3 weeks after moving home:

  1. I am engaged to literally the best dude on the planet who is my best buddy and tells me everything is going to be fine ( You have no idea how much I value that sentence, even though I rarely listen to it.)
  2. Despite being miles and miles apart, I have such a strong support network with my friends, we nurture each other though these testing times and make each other hysterically laugh until we can’t breathe. That is a service available on demand.
  3. I’m learning to drive! Something I thought I was incapable of doing purely because I lack a lot of faith in myself to carry out the most basic of tasks. But I’m actually sick at steering so bollocks to any negative thoughts there.
  4. I have an internship??? Crazy I know, Especially since I had plans to take a year out and focus on saving money etc etc, but what can you do when things like this just fall into your lap? There are two answers, the first being: Holy crap take it and run with it, you are a star, a goddess the world is at your feet. The second being: Hey it’s just not your time, you aren’t in the position to add any more to your plate BUT you’re still a star and a goddess and the world is still definitely at your feet.

*THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT OR OBLIGATION TO HAVE ANYTHING TOGETHER YET*

I certainly am viewing my twenties as a ticking time bomb to get everything I want in my life done and dusted, achieve great things and be like Sarah Jessica Parker in ‘I Don’t Know How She Does It.’ But I know from experience that in that movie, she struggles with balancing everything in her life, and you know what? That’s okay. That’s more normal than having everything together. You do not need to have everything decided or figured out as soon as you receive your cap and gown at Graduation. I need to constantly tell myself this, to slow down and just be in the moment of freedom, shrugging off the responsibilities that I pressure myself with, whilst keeping tabs on basic admin. There is no rush. You’ve just got to tell all the pressures put on you by the outside world and yourself to fuck off and let you breath. Don’t abandon them, nurture them like a plant, look after yourself and things will be okay.

Just a quick disclaimer, I’m not writing this to preach, because I find myself having to tell myself this stuff all the damn time. I press my face up to the mirror and point at myself and remind myself to calm down and slow down. It’s a nice little daily ritual I have now. But what I’m trying to say is, that there is nothing wrong with being ‘On The Cusp’ because we are still babies wondering around this world blind and confused and angry. You can have everything together or you can have nothing, don’t let anyone try and control where you should be in life.

That’s down to you, my little frogspawn.

Advertisements

The birth of…something?

Like every twenty-something with a self-confidence problem, I’m baring my inner-most thoughts and feelings to the Internet, in some vague hope of recognition. I believe it was Dan Humphrey in Gossip Girl who said: “You’re nothing until you’re talked about.” But let’s face it, I’m no Serena Van Der Woodson, she’s like 5ft taller than me for a start.

Anyway, I digress… writing a blog has been a thing at the back of my mind for a long time, right next to the mental filing cabinet labelled: ‘Theories about the 1969 Moon Landing’. Since I’m coming to the end of my University career, I figured I might as well do something productive to counteract the on-set crisis of  “Oh Christ, what am I actually doing with my life?!”.

I like writing… I really do. I often argue that it’s the only thing I’m good at, but this also translates to it being the only skill I’ve worked on and continued to do. The reason I do write, and this can be anything from  these posts; Screenplay’s and various stories is to make people feel something. Whether that be joy, sadness, gut-wrenching pain, all of the feels. I enjoy being able to orchestrate that with the things that my brain makes up.

I was ultimately tired of saying I’ll do something and it never come to fruition, for so long now, my mind has been stuck behind this wall, preventing me from doing anything that I truly enjoy, so I’m actively trying to chip away at that wall and do something worthwhile. Ultimately, doing something ‘good’ normally equates to charitable acts or giving something back to society. Let’s face it, me writing a blog has nothing to do with either of those things, but it helps me, so that’s a start.

I also want to mention the title of my blog. ‘Just A Screenwriter’ has plagued me fro about a year and half now. I came to University wanting to be a screenwriter and only that, however I learnt so much more about the world of film and wanted to dive right in and explore all of them, which made me fall in love with Producing. I was offered a position as one of the figure-heads of a Production Company: Lime 58 Films (Which I am still part of now) and I was super excited to be a part of something new and adventurous. However, my bubble was definitely burst when I was told that I couldn’t possibly be a head of a production company because I’m ‘Just a screenwriter”.  Now hearing these words then, made me feel like I was worthless and couldn’t do anything, that `I was worthless and my talents were restricted. However now, I look at that phrase with pride, and maybe a small amount of bitterness. I know now, that I’m not ‘just’ anything. I can do so much more (I have an Oscar stating just that to prove it)  As profound and cliche as that lesson was to me, it helped me look at my future career prospects in a more positive way. I define myself as a Writer and Producer, but writing is still my one true love.

I aim to show that love more to myself, writing until I can no longer write, or I stop making people laugh or caring.

Wow, I’m almost ashamed of myself for letting things get *that* emotional *that* quickly, but I feel somewhat cleansed and determined to pour the entire contents of my brain onto the Internet. It could be quite fun…